if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
