I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
