dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
