I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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