I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize