you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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