Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
