Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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