I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
