they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
