we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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