Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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