DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
