Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
