All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
