I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
