I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
