the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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