Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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