Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
