I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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