kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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