Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
