I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
