About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
