I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
