Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize