you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
