Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
