so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
