Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
