I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
