woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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