I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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