Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
