I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
