the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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