I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
