I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
