Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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