They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
