K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A bitchslap is in order.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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