Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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