Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize