you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
