I smell stomach acid.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
