I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
