grandma shit on top of the toilet
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
