Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
