i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
