i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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