I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
