when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
