What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
