Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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