Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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