she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
