the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
