First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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