the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
