Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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