I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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