I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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