I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
