chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
