You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
