last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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