It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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