Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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