dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
