Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
