Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
